These are those days.

I wish I had written a blog on November 26, 2009, so that I might be able to reference it in the way that everyone else is doing. But last year's Erin did not choose to write a blog on said date.

I remember last year's Erin anyways. She had a little crush on somebody that she really didn't want to admit she had a little crush on. I can't remember why she wouldn't admit it, but I'm glad now, that she didn't.

This year I'm actually a lot more like grade 10's Erin. I love high school again. I keep realizing, over and over, how good I am at high school. I don't know how to explain it. High school and I are just really good buds again. I'm also a lot different though, than grade 10's Erin. Grade 10's Erin was such a chicken. Grade 10's Erin was so scared of commitments to other people. Grade 10's Erin was scared of relationships, because grade 10's Erin thought that people could control her if she got to close to them. Grade 10's Erin was a people pleaser. Grade 10's Erin bit off more than she could chew, only she didn't realize it at the time. She didn't realize it until grade 11, when she stopped wanting to do anything at all. Grade 11's Erin was sick of making people happy, and she didn't believe in very much. Grade 11's Erin didn't have a clue what was going on. Grade 11's Erin went to school, went to field hockey, and went to bed. Grade 11's Erin did the things she felt like she had to do, and absolutely nothing more. Grade 11's Erin was not very motivated. But grade 11's Erin figured out some cool stuff, somehow. Grade 11's Erin taught me how to put myself first, and for that I owe her a whole lot. Grade 11's Erin put this quote in her blog: "We grow neither better nor worse as we get old, but more like ourselves." I don't think grade 11's Erin really understood that. I think that in another year I will find that quote in this blog, and I will wonder to myself, "Did grade 12's Erin really understand that?" I think that maybe that's the whole point. Every year we will understand the quote better, because every year we will understand better what it means to be more like ourselves.

I really hate talking about myself in the third person, even if it's past tense, so I'm going to stop now. Even though I really liked how Hannah and Rachel did it, I feel like it's not working out for me.

I guess the most important bit is that this year's me is my very favourite post-pubescent me. This years me gets so much pleasure from being with her family, and shortbread cookies, and waking up to cute texts from cute boys. This year's me is really content. This year I have renewed my belief that yes actually, I can change the world if I want to, thank you very much. This year, I might fall in love. Well, probably not. But this year I can say the word boyfriend with minimal cringing, so it's a step in the right direction at least.

Time goes by really differently when you're on birth control. Not because you're on birth control, but because you're taking a little pill out of a little package at the same time every day. And so you start of with a full pack and think wow, that's a lot of days worth of pills. And then each time you take out a pill it's like ticking off a day. And it feels like you must be counting down the days until something happens, but you aren't. And so, just to have something to count down to, you start counting down till the end of each row, and then you get to the end of the row and remember that nothing significant is happening because you are taking the last pill out of that row. I hate that feeling. I hate that it feels like I am always waiting for something to happen. I hate the way this stupid routine affects my brain. That's all.

Nostalgia is a seductive liar.

"I know that even though in this moment I don’t appreciate anything you said, eventually I will, eventually I’ll be glad that you care enough to say it to me, rather than give up on me or whatever else. And the reason I don’t tell you things is because I know you’re real enough to call me out on them, and tell me that they’re wrong, and when you do that, I have to stop and I have to think and I hate doing that more than anything in the world, because I do better, I stay stronger, when I just keep going and going, fast enough so that things can’t catch up to me."

It's kind of funny how strongly I believed that we might be friends again, after what she said. I thought that in saying what she did, she wasn't giving up on me. Maybe she was just letting me know she had had enough. I'm not sad very often anymore, I just still don't really understand how things turned out like this.

We are children of the sun.

But more specifically, YOU are a child of the sun. You are so giving and so loving and so open to the world still, and I envy you that some of the time, but then it goes and throws up in your face a little, and I remember that people like you sometimes need a little extra protecting, and when the protecting doesn't help they just need a little extra love given right back to them before they can bounce back. I'm not as good at the giving and the loving and the being open as you are, but I am a pretty decent listener and I have a fairly good crying shoulder, even though you said you've already had enough of crying. The point, I guess, is that you are so consistently determined to see the best bits in people and in the world that sometimes you get your hopes up prematurely. I hope that's a fair analysis. And I hope you know that even though I wasn't supportive before, it DOES NOT mean that I wanted this to happen, and anything that bums you out bums me out as well. And he's a pretty good friend to have around, so this just might end up working in your favour.

I like having something to be in charge of. I like having a project. I like having control. I like when people ask me questions, and when people associate my name with a good cause. I like girl's night and I like animal soaps and "fish shows" and I don't actually mind being the one squished against the wall, because at least then there's no chance of falling off. I like 4-wheel drive.

I like getting my way and sometimes I am mean and manipulative to make it happen. And I'm not proud of that, but I'm also not sorry. I like the girl that knows I'm mean and manipulative and loves me anyways, and I like that when she has to tell me I'm out of line, she does it in the nicest way.

I have a lot of ideas and a lot of energy and not very many outlets right now.

And I still have so much trouble concentrating, and I can't believe that it could be this hard for the rest of my life because of one whack on the head.

Pretend I'm a lover, pretend it's real, pretend I can speak, pretend I can feel.

I loved the Post Secrets today. They made me want to blog. But I still don't know what to say. I have blogger's block, which is a lot like writer's block only more fun to say because of the alliteration.

I wish I knew how to blog about him. I wish I had words to say about him. But right now I just don't know. That's good, probably, that I don't know. Maybe I won't get bored so fast if I can't wrap him up in words. Maybe I don't wish I knew how to blog about him.

I've officially had my first fight with two of my three tip top people. And the third one if far away on a boat, and I miss her so so much and I found a letter today, that I wrote to her in the summer and that I never got to give to her before she left, and I don't know if she still reads this but I hope that she does and I hope that she knows how much I love her and I hope she knows that I'm figuring things out, and that I'm going to be okay, and that she is going to be okay, and that we as a pair are going to be okay, and that we as bloggers and as worldly citizens are collectively going to be okay. I can't believe she isn't here. I have the best support system going for me right now, but SHE is the one that would really understand the significance of what's going on right now, and I know this because last year it was her turn, and the year before that and the year before that and the year before that we were different from how other people are and from how we both are now. If she doesn't end up reading this my over-long, lacking-in-structure sentences will go completely wasted. If she does end up reading this, she should also know that I am still waiting for a letter, and she should know that I know she has my address and there are no excuses. (I miss you Mackenzie, that's actually all I should have said.)

I like the dog run and I like dog people.

"Got a lead foot down on my accelerator,

And the rearview mirror torn off,

Cause I ain't never looking back."

My world's on fire, how 'bout yours?

I don't know what words I can put in this blog that will help me remember, when I look back on it in 5 years time, how happy I was this weekend.

I wish I knew how to explain last night. There were so many things that happened that could have made it a not-so-good night, but none of them did. The more I think about it, the more I realize how much fun it was. Yesterday was the best. Today is also the best.

This blog is not doing it's job.

There are more stars in the universe than grains of sand on Earth.

I am way happier than I should be considering the obvious fact that thousands of dementors have taken over our city. (Does this mean I'm not a wizard after all?)

Things are going right. Not exactly according to the master plan, but in ways that I can adjust to. Aside from having the black lung.

I like walking in fog so thick you can see only 40 feet in front of you, and feeling like the only person left on the planet.

I like things that are cute and things that make me feel cute and the word infatuation. I like the people that put up with me when I get in a mood. I like when people say my hair looks good. I like how we are always so far ahead of the game. I like getting paid to sit in the back room at work and eat croissants.

My mum says I should stop calling people communists.

I could quite literally smack the girls in my social class that are the reason that I spent 45 minutes on Microsoft Word typing up stupid social homework when I could have been doing something productive, like playing Robot Unicorn Attack.

I like realizing that sometimes I don't even have to try.

I have a lot of friends that I love a lot, and I feel like I should be able to call them all the best. I have had this thought a lot of times before, but I can't remember wether or not it ever made it into a blog. Now I can be sure that it did.

I haven't written a blog with legitimate content in so long. I want to find the stuff that's been pushed to the back of my brain, in poorly marked folders and probably written all in pencil, knowing me, so that so much of what I was thinking before I shoved the folders back there has worn away. I should use pen more often.

There has been a lot of blogging going on lately. I am really only writing this in an attempt to keep the blog train moving full speed ahead.

We both know we're good together, we ain't gonna be young forever

I like when new friends become old friends and I like when we get to watch good news on the television for a change.

10/10/10

I am thankful for The Globe and Mail. I am thankful for Scrabble. I am thankful for managers that don't ask questions when you say you have a chemical burn all over your face. I am thankful for Earl Grey tea. I am thankful for hot showers, and for cold showers. I am thankful for being able to control the temperature of my showers, I suppose. I am thankful for Tetris on my phone. I am thankful that I live only an hour from Canmore. I am thankful for Billy's cat mug. I am thankful for having a full head of hair. I am thankful for toothbrushes and toothpaste. I am thankful for the english language, et pour la langue française, et pour la capacité de parler les deux. I am thankful for messy buns. I am thankful for kids multivitamins, and for cod liver oil that comes in capsules so that I'll never have to taste it ever again. I am thankful for Friday nights that turn out better than anticipated. I am thankful for mix(ed?) CDs. I am thankful for Bill and Ted. I am thankful for physics. (If you guys are sick of hearing about physics, too bad, I can't stop thinking about it.) I am thankful for liberal democracies. I am thankful for black bandeaus. I am thankful for girls who stalk boys, and I am thankful for how sane I look by comparison. I am thankful for my dad being home this weekend.

The state put the youth in a harness.

Here's the thing. I don't like you telling me that I should be a doctor or an engineer just because I'm smart enough to be a doctor or an engineer. I don't like your top 5% theory. Being brainy doesn't mean I would be good at treating patients with terminal diseases, or at building better bridges, or at any of the things that you consider a worthwhile use of my time. If I want to be a teacher, I will. If I want to go to U Vic instead of McGill or Queen's, I will. If I want to smoke weed on Pender Island for the rest of my life, I swear I will. Just because I can be whatever I want in the whole wide world doesn't mean I should do the thing that's the hardest, or that people would be the most impressed by.

YOU, on the other hand, are a gem. I like that you keep the other "you" in line, and tell me that I can be whatever I want to be, and tell me my hair looks fantastic, and call Kate a tea belly.

I don't like bruised tendons, and looking like an idiot walking upstairs. I don't like 2 page essays and 14 slide Power Points on the CCF that are due 3 days after they are assigned. I kind of like thinking about what the Hindu woman represents, and I kind of like my group, and how it's unexpected but we get along, and how I used to know her really well, and now we aren't friends but we're still the same basic people we were in grade 7. I still like physics.

So far, that's my week summed up.

"And oh you got so much going for you going right,

But I know at 17 it's hard to see past Friday night."

This October has 5 Fridays, 5 Saturdays, and 5 Sundays all in one month. This happens only once every 823 years.

Let's party.

I really have no idea what I'm doing.

Tonight, that doesn't bother me.

I know writing blogs that consist solely of lists of things that are contributing to my overall happiness and current mental well-being might get old, but these little things are pretty much all I have going for me right now, and it seems worthwhile to take the time and savour them just a little bit, so here goes.

I like driving really fast when it's dark out.

I like knowing how to make a proper cup of tea. (ALWAYS in a tea pot, even if it's just enough for one cup, and you should rinse the pot with a little bit of the boiling water before you put the tea bags in.)

I like the german girl, and having a german cheer.

I like really sharp, non-mechanical pencils.

I like looking around at everyone in the scholarship meeting and making notes in my head of all the people I would beat if we applied for the same one.

I like Vietnamese food, a lot.

I like that today I smiled so much more than yesterday.

I like this picture :

I've seen fire and I've seen rain.

I like being double-booked for Saturday night. It makes me feel really cool.

I like that Moquin makes jokes this year. I feel like he did some soul searching over the summer.

I like that electrons are only negative because in the 1700's Benny Franklin decided that a glass rod that had been rubbed with animal hair was positive, by definition. I like that he just decided he was going to call one thing positive, and since society accepted what he said, 300 years later our text books call electrons negative. If he had decided to call that glass rod negative, everything we know about electricity would be opposite. I like a lot of things about physics, actually.

I like James Taylor, and how it reminds me of my dad, and I like that my dad gets home on Friday.

I like having a clean room.

I like that it's hockey season again.

I like reading books that give you perspective.

I like homemade hummus.

I like Justin Bieber. Yep, I said it.

Today I drank 6 cups of tea, and cried after I finished my physics problem and saw that I had the right answer.

I need to take more drugs and go to bed.

"Who can I compare you to, a window that the sun shines through?"

Circulation has returned to my toes.

Today I am tired and lazy and my sinuses are very unhappy. I feel awful, which I think is unfair considering I went out last night and was basically the only sober one at the party and drove myself home at a very reasonable hour and slept from 1:30 until 9:30 and then had a delicious brunch with my cousins who I hadn't seen all summer. I feel like considering how responsible I was last night, I should feel tip top. A hangover would be preferable. If I was hung over I wouldn't be able to feel my sinuses. This is encouraging the wrong thing.

I love Rachel's analogy of being a weak patronus. That is exactly what I am right now.

I also love the post secret about the Grand Canyon and the nurse, but I couldn't find a way to copy the front of it into this blog since it has the double sided flip action going on.

I like that yesterday was the best one year anniversary ever, and that we wore matching but not matching clothes and ate McMinis. The anniversary deserves to have a full blog dedicated to it, but I do not have the energy for that. SO, I love you Katie McLean, and I am not going to say any more about that, because that is really all that I feel matters at this moment.

As well, I have yet to blog anything about gym camping, but it was cold and snowy and such an adventure and I loved it so so so much. And after 48 or more hours, my toes are not longer numb and I can stand on my tip toes without worrying about falling on my face, which I like.

Our love is not a victory march.

I like that I am rediscovering the routine. I fit in there. I don't know if I like that or not, I just know that it is true. I'm sorry if you don't like the routine, and I am sorry if you don't understand it. I should have found a way to warn you.

I like that today he brought up that night and we both knew exactly what he was talking about and nobody else did, nobody else could, and we had a little secret. I like that we can bring it up casually and I like that we are still pals and I like that it kind of sounds like I'm talking about sex, but, in fact, I am not.

And I like the rain. I don't like that it makes it cold and that I couldn't wear my new suede booties and that my hair looked nasty by the time I got from the car to the school, but I still really like the rain. I like that it sometimes puts you in the mood that lets you use Leonard Cohen lyrics as a title to a blog. I like that that feels sacred.

But the canyons and the seas
Are they just what you need
Or are they less than what
You'd expect to see?

And if you're leaving well come
Give me reason why I let you down

I am literally obsessed with the stars.

Having been unable to sleep for the past couple weeks I have decided to make a list of all the things that could be on my mind, keeping me awake, with hopes that once they are out in the open they will stop plaguing me and I will stop being exhausted.

• I keep making mental lists of all the french words that end in -tion. Hannah told me recently that they are ALL feminine. I can't believe I didn't know that sooner.

• Camping in 3 sleeps !

• To work or not to work ??

• I really really really want to do well in physics. REALLY.

• Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows is very likely the best book I have ever read. I had to tear myself away from the battle at Hogwarts to learn some sheep anatomy for French. Which is how I ended up blogging.. I don't like sheep very much.

• Certain things are not going according to the master plan, which bothers me.

That is all for now, and I know that it is not poetic or creative or inspired, but a lot of lists are not.

I didn't want my daddy flying on September 11th, and he has not called all day, so I hope that he is okay.

This is a very weak 100th post.

The beginning of the end or the end of the beginning ?

If you look at grade 12 as being the end, than tomorrow is officially the beginning of the end. But if you look at the past 15 years of schooling as the beginning, than tomorrow is like the start to the end of the beginning. If you read that enough times, I think you'll figure out what I'm trying to say. I don't know how else to word it.

If you count pre-school and kindergarten, we've been going to school since we were 3 years old. And honestly, I've been really good at it. Really good at going to school. But I wonder, and I worry, if maybe it's the only thing I know how to do.

This is me before I come undone.

I have this massive thought in my head. And it's a big and scary thought, and it's been lodged in there for over a week now, and it has to do with bath towels, and bed linens, and shower curtains and dish racks. I can't put the thought into words. The thought isn't even real, I don't think. But bath towels are real. That's the issue.

There aren't very many feelings that can compare with that of getting on a plane or a train or a boat or even in a car for a long journey, for a trip to somewhere that is new and exotic and throws you so far out of your reality that you can barely fathom the place you come from and the place you end up existing on the same planet.

The last three weeks were exciting and fascinating and exhausting and so so so humbling. I know I'm lucky. I have always known that I am lucky. I have always been consciously aware of that fact. But it sunk in more fully for me than it ever has before this summer. Morocco was everything that I remembered about Sudan, only with better paved roads and fewer goats roaming the streets. I loved it so much there. The sun back home doesn't seem like the same one that heated the Souk of Marrakech or the beaches of Essaouira or the high peaks and ridges of the Atlas mountains. It lacks so much intensity here.

It would be impossible to explain to anyone that has not been to North Africa the total relief you feel when you walk into a washroom, and for the first time in a week the toilet paper is white instead of a weird shade of pink.

I secretly liked the attention, too. I liked that people exclaimed over my hair, thought that it was such a novelty. I liked boys leaning out of car windows to whistle and yell compliments in my direction. I liked when the compliments came in French, and I could understand them. I liked that my parents were offered 20 000 camels for my hand in marriage. It is probably incredibly laughable, maybe even pitiable (or just pitiful) that these things gave me such an ego boost. That's okay with me. I liked standing out.

I wish I could gather these thoughts in a more clear and orderly manner. I wish I would have something more to look back on, to remember this trip by, years from now. The amount I wrote in my journal was shameful.

We went to see the Guernica in Madrid. It was twisted and sad and quite frightening. Google it in images if you don't know what it is. Or don't. I obviously wont force you to. Anyways, I thought it was sad to see all these tourists whipping out cameras and snapping up photos of it because their guide books told them it was famous and important, and I doubt 1 in 10 even bothered to take a good look at it and figure out what it might be telling us. Having said that, I know nothing about art, and likely did one of the world's worst jobs of interpreting it, but I feel as though I can be forgiven for at least having tried.

In other news, I ate a shrimp. It was not disgusting. And I am proud.

Oh, and I'm glad I'm home (for now).

I hate to see you go, but I love to watch you leave.

In 22 hours I will be on a plane.

Je vous remercie, les étoiles.

I like the constants.

I like that standing at the Equator, you will always be spinning with the Earth at 1038 miles per hour.

I like that acceleration due to gravity on Earth will always be 9.81 m/s.

I like that there will always be 2.2 pounds in a kilogram and 1.6 kilometres in a mile, and 3.8 litres in a gallon.

I like that my sister will always be 5 years, 8 months younger than me.

I like that our alphabet will always start with A and finish with Z.

I like that spring will always come after winter, which will always come after autumn, which will always come after summer, which will always come after spring.

I like that fish will always swim and birds will always fly. (Yes, I know penguins would object quite strongly to that statement, but it doesn't matter, because no penguin will ever read this. The theory of evolution would also object, actually. So that is not a real constant. Too bad.)

I like that oxygen atoms will always have 16 protons and 16 electrons, and that in their elemental state they will always float around in pairs, molecularly (as opposed to ionically, which sounds like ironically) bonded to each other.

I like these constants because I can change myself inside out, upside down and backwards, and these things will all still be true. I like that nobody can do anything to change these things.

I love being in love with the world.

"Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you'll land among the stars."

Les Brown, you are wrong.

The Sun is the closest star to the Earth. And it's almost 150 million kilometers from here. The average distance to the moon is only 382500 kilometers. This means that if you shoot for the moon and miss, you are still more than 149 million kilometers from a single star.

The point is, maybe we should be just a little bit cautious when we start dreaming big and acting all impulsively. Maybe we are right to be scared. If you give up everything you have to make it to the moon, and you miss, you actually just end up nowhere, with nothing.

"I want something else. I'm not even sure what to call it anymore except I know it feels roomy and it's drenched in sunlight and it's weightless and I know it's not cheap.
Probably not even real."

I want to want to write about this.

But it doesn't even feel significant.

Yeah, I miss Social already.

As long as these wheels roll they'll never rust.

I am obsessive. I nearly forgot this feeling. I thought maybe it was a phase I had grown out of. But recently it's back to 90 degree angles, and shirts folded the way they should be, and towels draped so the tag is where it belongs, and cupboards are closed all the way and nothing is sticking out of drawers, and the spines of books are all equal distances from the edge of the shelf. These things are like little shields. Like walls. Like if I can control these things I can control everything else. I can control me. I'm scared of this girl.

I need to move. I need to get out of this house, out of this city, off this planet. I should be an astronaut.

I should find something to be passionate about. Someone to be passionate with.

I should not be jealous. I have so much.

I'm restless.

Restless.

Restless.

Dynamic equilibrium.

Add a catalyst. It wont change, nor will the products, nor will the reactants. But this catalyst is so effective that the forward and reverse reactions are now happening at warp speed.

That's how this feels.

But I'm done chemistry.

And chemistry was simple.

You're not. I'm not.

Andy's growing up. So am I. So is everyone. We can't stop it.

I was ready to forgive. And then I was going to forget. Now I don't know what to do.

Every person on this planet is 1 in 6 billion. The more people there are, the more rare it is to find someone just like you.

There's a boy. Is that cliché ? Is there always a boy ?

I want to be fun and exciting and interesting. I forget how.

Make waves.

I've always been average at everything. My brain is neither left nor right side dominant. I'm pretty good at math, but I'm also pretty good at english. I'm pretty good at science, but I'm also pretty good at social. I've been told being able to use both sides of my brain would make me a good architect. I guess I like that idea.

I don't like destiny. I don't believe that everything I am ever going to do has been pre-decided by some godly, greater power. I don't believe it, and I can't believe it. What would be the point, if I did ? I think that people who believe in destiny don't work as hard as the rest of us. Because they think that they can't do anything to change their futures. Where is the motivation, if what and who you are going to be has already been decided ? I do believe a bit in fate though. And I know they are actually defined as essentially the same thing, if you look them up in the American Heritage Dictionary (Second College Edition, if you must know.) But in my mind I have turned them into two separate things. Destiny is your entire life being pre-determined. Fate is better. Fate leads to the occurrence of single events. Fate takes things one step at a time. For instance, I met this really cool girl at a time that was really convenient for both of us to meet each other. And it was a bit like fate brought us together. But nobody had planned from the moment of my birth that when I was in grade 11, she would be in my french class and make me laugh a lot and watch silly movies with me. It wasn't destiny at all. That wasn't a good example. But I'm not going to change it, cause I think she will be happy when she reads this and knows it's about her.

This blog was going to be a lot longer. I have a lot more things to say.

But it's really nice outside, and I haven't had a nap in the sun for quite a long time, so you're going to have to wait for the rest.

All or nothing.

Here and there. In and out. New and old. Thick and thin. Before and after. Lost and found. Give and take. Open and shut. Odd and even. Pre and post. Rise and fall. Push and pull.

Me and you.

I could (a lot).

You are all good, and I'm not good at all, and that makes me scared. I need to get you out of my system. Right ? Maybe not. Maybe you're good for me. Probably, actually. But I'm not good for you. Definitely. Definitely wins over probably. You win over me.

( Mackenzie, des fois il faut laisser en arrière quelques choses de bien pour trouver quelque chose d'extraordinaire.

Je t'aime. )

J'ai peur que plus personne ne soit humain.

You said something about the stars.

I don't like that I told you the truth, and now you think you can't trust me. But I still like that I told you.

I don't know if I'm officially a part of the Q&A group going on here, but this question is cute, and even comes on a picture, so when I found it I figured it was worth posting. Have at 'er.

(But only if you want.)

(I like parentheses tonight.)

(I don't know if the period goes before or after the last bracket, grammatically speaking.)

Help me help you.

It scares me a bit when you two get together. You're both so full of love and so deserving of people who really care about you, but you're caught up in these vicious cycles of being used, and you help each other pretend that it doesn't hurt, that you don't care, but it can't keep going on. You both are more fragile than you can admit. You both care more than you can admit. You both are so much like me. But this is too far now. I need you to stop.

(So I can stop.)

• Dear headache, don't you know you aren't supposed to last 6 days ? Go away, I don't want another doctors visit.

• I learned how to make bullet points on a blog, it's awesome.

• I know the difference between multilatéralisme and internationalisme. Do you ?

You're still the only one that feels like home.

We all have some tears and fears and inconsistencies. I guess we all fall down, at some point.

If you lead with your heart, fate has a way of following.

"It's great that you can listen and be a shoulder to someone, but what about when someone doesn't need a shoulder. What if they need arms or something like that? You can't just sit there and put everybody's lives ahead of yours and think that counts as love. You just can't. You have to do things."

I really wanted to write a blog tonight. But this quote makes a lot more sense than anything going on my head, so I'll go with that instead.

Oh, and stop thinking you know me so well. I promise you, you have no idea.

When I was a little girl, my parents had a really good friend who committed suicide. When my mum told me about it she said, "Erin, remember mum and dad's friend Jeremy? The one with the horses? We think you're old enough to know, he went crazy and he killed himself." That made sense to me.

A few days later, I was driving somewhere, with my some other family friends, and their daughter Sarah, who was a couple years older than me. She kept asking her parents, "how did Jeremy die?" Eventually the mum looked back and asked me, "Erin, do you know how Jeremy died?" I said yes, and I thought I was telling the truth. In my mind, he had died from being crazy. Crazy was a disease. It was like cancer or something. The mum went on to tell Sarah, how his wife had walked into the barn, and had found him hanging, from the rafters. I understood something then. He had wanted to die. "Crazy" didn't kill him. He killed himself.

Katie, this isn't to you, but it's being blogged for your benefit (ie: so you can read it and tell me if it's too retarded to send or not), so I'm gonna go ahead and call it a shout out =). We're a little closer to even now. Oh and this is take three, just so you know. The first one was very angry, and defensive, the second one was pitiful, and this one is just, well, you'll see.

I don't write this expecting or wanting it to change anything. I just need you to know a couple things before I can really move on. For me it's like official closure, I guess.

I spent a really, REALLY long time being mad at you. It was the easiest thing to feel, I suppose. But I'm letting myself be sad now. And it sucks, it sucks so much. Because I guess what you did is made me disposable. You told me and showed me that I could be replaced.

Maybe I just hope that forgetting about me wasn't as easy as you made it seem. I hope you still cry when you hear Hero, by Enrique. I hope you still cry when you remember driving home from Time Traveler's Wife in the rain, listening to Jack Johnson. I hope you still cry when you read the letter I wrote when we got in that fight in grade 9. I hope you remember the letter you wrote me while I was in Asia last year, about how re-reading the grade 9 letter made you so sad, and how you never wanted us to get in such a dumb fight again. (Now don't get me wrong, I hope you do more than cry, so keep on reading.) I hope you stop resenting change. I hope you realize that we're supposed to be making mistakes right now. I hope you realize that neither of us are the same people we were when we first met, or when we first became best friends. And I hope you realize that's a good thing, that's how it's supposed to be. Oh, and I hope you find somebody else, someone other than me who loves Reese Puffs and Gushers as much as you. I hope you find someone else to have champagne picnics with in the rain, and someone else how might appreciate Seattle's best Pizza and Fanta as much as we do. (I also especially hope you realize what fatties I'm making us sound like right now.) I know that's a lot of hoping. I also hope it all makes sense. And that I'm not forgetting anything else.

Love, (or maybe something else. I don't know if love is appropriate, I just don't know how else to end letters)

Erin

p.s. I know this is long past, but I want to clarify that I don't think being drunk is an excuse for any of my hook-ups. But I also don't think that I need any excuses.

p.p.s. Did you know that p.s. is actually supposed to be capitalized ?

P.P.P.S. Don't really have anything to say here, but I wanted to try out the caps. And also, we both know it's hardly a legitimate letter without a handful of p.s.'s.

I wanna believe I'm not that naive.

We don't like where this is going because we don't know where this is going.

Caught in a craze.

I respect and admire the way you see the world in all its simpleness and boldness and bluntness. But I cannot understand it. Every day I fantasize and romanticize and idealize, and my world becomes a place that is okay to be in. Your world must be a harder place to live. I hope you're okay there.

Maybe I'm scared.

I guess I should be happy you're now friends with all of my friends.

I'm not. I liked it better when you were just my friend.

I hate sharing.

Shades of grey.

RE: I win the lottery, giant super nova.

Rachel, I swear I have the very best of intentions to reply the very first day you posted that blog, but I have to admit I kind of forgot until I saw you in the halls today. So anyways, here goes. My creative juices haven't exactly been flowing much recently, I haven't even been able to give them a c

hance what with everything else going on, so things might seem a little off, but I think when I start rambling like this they usually do anyways, so perhaps it's nothing out of the ordinary. Your question really is a good one, and I am more than ready for a break from Chem anyways, so here goes. What, you ask, keeps me from simply existing ? Can the answer honestly be as simple as I think it might be ? Existing is boring. It's dull. People who exist don't inspire, and they aren't inspired. I don't know how to be that kind of person. Even when I am exhausted and overwhelmed and cranky and sick

, it gets old. I get over it. And whenever I start to perk up, I realize, or remember, what I was missing out on. There is so much wrong with our world, but I honestly do believe on most days that there are more people out there trying to fix it than there are people producing the messes and the suffering. And with that knowledge, who could continue to exist ? Who would be able to stop themselves from living and experiencing and learning and loving ? Who in possession of the knowledge that they could make a difference could ever go back to existing ? To me, that thought is absurd. So that may or may not have answered your question, but either way I hope it makes some sense.

"I need to be bold, need to jump in the cold water, need to grow older with someone like you."

247365

Reading too much Cosmo.

Eating too much ice cream.

Watching too much Friends.

Today, I cried for every single one of them.

Over 3.5 million Jews were killed in the gas chambers of the Nazi's concentration camps during the second half of the Holocaust, from 1942-1945. The form of gas they used, hydrogen cyanide, produced as Zyklon B, was invented by a Jewish man.

This is your moment. The right time is now.

"Think of all the good time that's been wasted having good times."

I don't know who you are, who ever said this, but I hope you don't regret having those good times.

Happy 40th, Earth Day.

Concussion ? Seriously ?

Fuck you head trauma, I can't stop crying.

Lightning don't strike twice, but I feel like I fell in love with you again tonight.

How do you measure success ??

Today I feel like it's by the number of doors I open for myself.

(metaphorically, duh.)

I'm so disappointed in today. I am nowhere nearer to figuring out what to do with the next 50 years of my life.

The world is on the tip of my tongue.

Mexico, I love you.

I love your outlook.

And I love sharks. They were exactly what I imagined.

You know that feeling, when you're looking out to the ocean, and you don't understand it, because the ocean is so vast and so varied that there is no way you could ever understand all its complexities in 100 lifetimes, and you are so happy that you will never be able to understand it. Because that proves that there is mystery and intrigue and things left unknown in our world. In the more simple words of Eef Barzelay, "I love the unknown."

And looking out at the ocean comes with that other feeling, the one where the tide helps waves play around your ankles, and then go rushing back into the sea, and

when they go rushing back time goes a little bit wonky, and little holes are dug around your heels and you sink into the sand and the water and you are part of it all. That's the best part of being at the ocean.

I'm so in love with the world.

And this is only the beginning.

I feel like the most interesting people would probably be the ones that fell into the "those who are very confused" category. That's a comforting thought, for some reason.

I liked last night. I've never had a night like that before. I don't want to describe it. I just want to acknowledge that being around people you don't like is probably healthy on occasion. It's been a long time since I met someone who irritated me as much as he did, but it just feels like a reminder that I don't want to become the type of person he is.

Also, it's weird when you think you've learned so much about some person, and then suddenly he's a cat person. How does that happen ? (I have nothing against cat people. This just doesn't fit in my mind.)

Mackenzie Dundas, last night your name came up in conversation, and I was asked if we were still close. I was so glad and so grateful that the answer to that question is 1 million percent yes. Come home now, please.

Mama mia, here I go again.

I like people that bring out the best in other people. I like people that don't take themselves too seriously. I like the field hockey girls. No, I love the field hockey girls. This season is going to be a gooder. I just know it. As long as we can convince a certain someone to start wearing pants. I like getting 93% on chemistry finals, and knowing I deserved it. I like being half way through second semester. I like that there is only one day of classes left before spring break. I like perfect weather, and good sprints, and when my knees don't hurt. I like Boot's melon mint sugar scrub. I like vietnamese vermicelli. I like Mother Earth Remixes. I like promising Fridays. I like that I will be driving in less than three months. I like Katie McLean, and Rachel Schneider, and Mackenzie Dundas, for reading my ramblings. And for loving me, seemingly unconditionally. I like having Joshua Radin stuck in my head. I like real conversation. I like thinking about the things I like, and forgetting the things I don't.

Oh, and I like when the school plays ABBA between classes.

Yeah you're cute, but don't let that shit go to your head.

I like you, and I'm figuring out how to like myself too.

For both of those things, I am grateful.

Time to let me go.

Things that have contributed to my general happiness and mental well-being in the past 24 hours:

- There's an arabic moon out tonight.

- People who understand irony.

- Disney channel's poor special effects.

- Tim Hortons.

- Realizing I'll be in Mexico in 12 days.

- Commas in abundance.

"He said it's crazy, how love stays with me. You know it hurts me, cause I don't want to fight this war."

You asked. Well not you, him. But I couldn't say this to him.

I guess this is what they call one of those days. Or one of those weeks. Or one of those months. This isn't depression, or anger, or teenage angst. It just seems like I've temporarily lost my direction.

Tonight was weird. It went like this. Stress, stress, stress; chem, chem, chem. A lovely facebook message from my favourite. A lovely round of texting with my other favourite. And my other, other favourite. That produced 20 minutes of elation. And some more confusion.

It's a bit like this. You think you have a song stuck in your head. But you know that the song doesn't even exist. But you know if it did exist, it would explain why you were feeling so weird. It doesn't though, so you're left pondering. And listen to Joshua Radin instead. Then City and Colour. And it's not even close. But it's the best you've got.

By this point you've been laying in your bed for 2 hours. But you know there isn't any use. Because tonight will not be a sleeping night.

I am yearning for rain. Every cell in my body tingles with anticipation when I think of the rain. It might wash away this nothing. I can't get rid of this nothing on my own.

Things that still bring a smile to my face : equality.

When we are breakfast, I will be the toast, and she can be the nutella.

But when we are pocky, she will let me be the chocolatey goodness, while she is the boring wafer.

It works out though, because no matter what, we've got each other's backs.

All you gotta do is shine.

Hi world,

It's me, Erin.

I've been thinking about you a lot lately. Too much, maybe. And you know what, you're pretty big. Sometimes people try and tell me you aren't. But the people that say that are wrong. It's not a small world, there are just so many small minded people out there.

"Stick your hand into my back pocket,

light me up like a bottle-rocket,

I just wanna free-fall for a while."

Don't ever say goodbye.

Today is useless.

And today I am useless.

And all days chemistry is useless.

You cant use styrofoam cups to make a calorimeter.

And you can't do labs on shit that your teacher refuses to teach you.

I'm angry that I've been in such foul moods lately.

And I'm angry that I don't have enough time to get everything done.

And I'm angry that it is so beautiful outside, and I am inside doing dumb things.

And I'm angry that my knees hurt from running last night.

And I'm angry that my dad told me they would hurt, and I ran anyways, and proved him right.

I don't even know why I bother putting so much pressure on myself.

I don't want to be sitting behind a desk for the rest of my life, and I don't want to be doing it now either.

Today I am angry, and today I am useless.

I hate today.

Please know that I'm yours to keep.

Note to self : be that girl.

- Throw out as many compliments as you can, as often as you can - and make them sincere.

- Be good to your family, be good to your friends, be good to strangers.

- Make friends with karma.

- Love and protect your planet.

- Remember, you're 16. It's okay to live a little.

- On that note, quit taking yourself quite so seriously.

- Make time for the ones that matter most (Rachel Schneider, I'm talking to you.)

- SMILE SMILE SMILE SMILE SMILE

- If you love someone, make sure they know it.

- Share time, share hope, share love.

Know that 20 years from now, it wont matter what you're doing, or how much money it's making you, or how prestigious the job title is.

Also, it's okay that you sometimes cry when you listen to City & Colour, Dallas Green gets to everyone.

Opposites Attract.

This feeling is infinite.

Don't let the system get you down.

What's all this for again ?

What's the end goal ?

I can't remember.

I think I give up.

Here's to be free man, my heart's my home.

"According to Greek mythology, humans were originally created with 4 arms, 4 legs and a head with 2 faces. Fearing their power, Zeus separated them into two parts, condemning them to spend their lives in search of their other halves."

- Plato

I don't believe in Valentines. If you love someone, tell them every day.

Keep me guessing.

You keep your stability, I'll keep my heart.

I know it's easy to say, but it's harder to feel this way.

yes please : the coming six months with no math class, remembering how it feels to really breath, getting out of the city, and afternoons spent with Katie McLean (thanks for being as weird as I am).

no thanks : being wrong about you, and 6 a.m. practices with no motivation.

I'm really just sick of the realists in this world. I am a dreamer, an optimist, my head spends most of it's time in the clouds. And I am not ashamed.

Albert Einstein, Rosa Parks, Lewis Carroll, Martin Luther King Jr., Anne Frank, Ghandi, Dr. Seuss : I love you.

Also, I had no right to expect anything different from you. But what you said broke my heart. "I gave up pretending there was ever going to be a solution to anything." I could smack you.

She's got a satellite heart.

I hate being forced to sit at home for hours on end pretending to study math and chemistry. I hate that concepts which were so simple 4 months ago no longer fit into my brain, I hate that I can't remember anything. I hate that the weather takes a change for the better and today, I have not been outside to appreciate it. I hate that I am finding so many uses for the word hate. I hate that word. I hate that people in Haiti are going through hell, and I am here at home, here in Canada, being useless. I hate that I cannot go down there and help. I hate that I feel sorry for myself, while others have lost everything. I hate how there is so much attention on Haiti, yet half of Africa is starving, and the Afghan war is raging, and North Korea is stuck under a communist dictatorship ruling, and yet, everybody has forgotten. Yes, Haiti needs our help, but they are not the only ones. I hate that as a collective people, humans can be so superficial. We claim to want to help, but abandoning one cause the second another comes up is not helping. I hate that there is so much greed and anger and pain in this world. I hate that everyone could be happy, if the fat, power hungry middle aged men who drive SUV's and care about nothing but being CEO of the next big oil company could give two shits about the global economy crisis, if they could spare a thought for the HIV/AIDS pandemic that has killed tens of millions of people, and not only in the third world, but even some here at home. I hate that I sit down at my computer to rant for a while about math and chemistry and how hard I have it, and I realize that my problems are non-existent. I hate being told I am too young to help, that there is nothing I can do right now, that finishing school, getting a good education, is the best thing I can do for the world. Sure, maybe I can ace all my high school courses and go to university to become a world class environmental engineer, or doctor. But we're talking ten years from now. I can't wait ten years. I want to help now. And I want the rest of my generation to start caring. I'm sick of lunch time talk about who wore what to which party last weekend. We are the ones that are capable of making a difference right now. We need to start taking ourselves seriously, so that others will also. We can't sit back and expect our parents, or our teachers, or even todays leading environmental scientists to fight for a future that is not theirs. I need to be able to believe in the people around me. So yeah, today is pretty shitty. I am here at home, not studying for my tests, not making a difference in my life or anyone else's. I am not significant. And maybe for me personally, tomorrow will be better, but the world will not be saved over night. Tomorrow, I will wake up, and we will not have world peace. And today, that feels like my problem.

"Hey mum. What did you say ? You got me a 50 pack of my favourite earl grey tea ?!"

Oh right, my life is good.

When the sun comes up, I'll be there to say what up in the morning.

If you want, if it makes you feel good, go ahead, call me a whore, call me a slut, say that I have no respect for my body. I'm not good with emotional intimacy, and I do replace it with physical intimacy. Sometimes I just get bored, sometimes I need a change, to spice things up. Maybe you frown upon that. But as far as I'm concerned, as soon as you open your mouth to gossip about me, and talk behind my talk, I'm already better than you.

On n'aime que ce qu'on ne possède pas tout entier.

J'oublie par fois la beauté qui est la langue française. Entendre français, parler français, ça me donne de la plaisir, quand je ne suis pas dans une salle de classe trop chaud avec les autres étudiants qui s'en fou, et un proffeseur qui m'inspire pas.

Even if I'm moving on.

Say that you'll stay.

I don't fit in, so why do you want me ?

Make the most of what comes, and the least of what goes.

Sometimes I am rude.

Sometimes I talk back.

Sometimes I don't show respect.

And I don't use this fact as an excuse, but perhaps an explanation.

I am this way because sometimes, I need space.

And currently, in this house, space is hard to come by.

Grandma, I am sorry that I am impatient with you. I am sorry that you can't do things as quickly or as easily as you used to be able to. I am sorry that I get fed up. I am sorry that I get mad because I can't listen to my music as loud as I want, cause then you can't hear anyone else talking. I am sorry that you are deaf and need everything repeated, and I am sorry that this bothers me. It's obviously not your fault, and I know that, and I understand it, but it still drives me crazy. I want you to know that I love you and that I really am glad you are here, instead of alone in Ontario. I will tell you that before you leave. I promise.

Dad, I am sorry to you as well that I have been short tempered with Grandma. She is your mother, and you love her and I love her, and you must be glad and also relieved that she is here for six weeks. But six weeks is a long time when you are sixteen years old. My priorities aren't the same as anyone else's. I need time with my friends, I need time to do school work, I need time to work, I need time to sleep. And I can only play so many games of scrabble in a 24 hour period.

Mum, I am sorry that you feel the same way I do about Grandma being here. You tell me I need to put more of an effort into spending time with her, you tell me it's important to know my grandparents. And you are right. You are so right. But I know you know it's hard. Because you get fed up too. And you do put in more effort than I do, you do keep yourself composed, and you are such a gracious host to her, even though she frequently forgets her please and thank you. I don't know how you do it, but I will try to follow your example. I am also sorry that you will have to continue to entertain her when Kate and I go back to school and Dad goes back to work. I said six weeks is a long time for a sixteen year old. It's also a long time for a stay at home mum entertaining her mother in law.

Kate, I am sorry I don't spend more time with you. I am sorry we aren't interested in more of the same things. I am sorry I don't like you following me around the house, wanting to do everything I do. I am sorry I don't like you hugging me, touching my hair, leaning on me constantly. I am sorry I am not a better role model. Do not look up to me, I am not the kind of person you need to become. Following exactly in my foots steps will not make you happy. It was the right path for me, but you need to find your own. Be your own, beautiful, sparkling, dazzling person. You think mum and dad want you to be just like me, but they don't. They want you to be YOU, and they want you to be happy.

(Rachel, I am sorry, because you are the only person that had the slightest chance of reading this. And I am whiny and bitter and rude, and now you know.)