These are those days.

I wish I had written a blog on November 26, 2009, so that I might be able to reference it in the way that everyone else is doing. But last year's Erin did not choose to write a blog on said date.

I remember last year's Erin anyways. She had a little crush on somebody that she really didn't want to admit she had a little crush on. I can't remember why she wouldn't admit it, but I'm glad now, that she didn't.

This year I'm actually a lot more like grade 10's Erin. I love high school again. I keep realizing, over and over, how good I am at high school. I don't know how to explain it. High school and I are just really good buds again. I'm also a lot different though, than grade 10's Erin. Grade 10's Erin was such a chicken. Grade 10's Erin was so scared of commitments to other people. Grade 10's Erin was scared of relationships, because grade 10's Erin thought that people could control her if she got to close to them. Grade 10's Erin was a people pleaser. Grade 10's Erin bit off more than she could chew, only she didn't realize it at the time. She didn't realize it until grade 11, when she stopped wanting to do anything at all. Grade 11's Erin was sick of making people happy, and she didn't believe in very much. Grade 11's Erin didn't have a clue what was going on. Grade 11's Erin went to school, went to field hockey, and went to bed. Grade 11's Erin did the things she felt like she had to do, and absolutely nothing more. Grade 11's Erin was not very motivated. But grade 11's Erin figured out some cool stuff, somehow. Grade 11's Erin taught me how to put myself first, and for that I owe her a whole lot. Grade 11's Erin put this quote in her blog: "We grow neither better nor worse as we get old, but more like ourselves." I don't think grade 11's Erin really understood that. I think that in another year I will find that quote in this blog, and I will wonder to myself, "Did grade 12's Erin really understand that?" I think that maybe that's the whole point. Every year we will understand the quote better, because every year we will understand better what it means to be more like ourselves.

I really hate talking about myself in the third person, even if it's past tense, so I'm going to stop now. Even though I really liked how Hannah and Rachel did it, I feel like it's not working out for me.

I guess the most important bit is that this year's me is my very favourite post-pubescent me. This years me gets so much pleasure from being with her family, and shortbread cookies, and waking up to cute texts from cute boys. This year's me is really content. This year I have renewed my belief that yes actually, I can change the world if I want to, thank you very much. This year, I might fall in love. Well, probably not. But this year I can say the word boyfriend with minimal cringing, so it's a step in the right direction at least.

Time goes by really differently when you're on birth control. Not because you're on birth control, but because you're taking a little pill out of a little package at the same time every day. And so you start of with a full pack and think wow, that's a lot of days worth of pills. And then each time you take out a pill it's like ticking off a day. And it feels like you must be counting down the days until something happens, but you aren't. And so, just to have something to count down to, you start counting down till the end of each row, and then you get to the end of the row and remember that nothing significant is happening because you are taking the last pill out of that row. I hate that feeling. I hate that it feels like I am always waiting for something to happen. I hate the way this stupid routine affects my brain. That's all.

Nostalgia is a seductive liar.

"I know that even though in this moment I don’t appreciate anything you said, eventually I will, eventually I’ll be glad that you care enough to say it to me, rather than give up on me or whatever else. And the reason I don’t tell you things is because I know you’re real enough to call me out on them, and tell me that they’re wrong, and when you do that, I have to stop and I have to think and I hate doing that more than anything in the world, because I do better, I stay stronger, when I just keep going and going, fast enough so that things can’t catch up to me."

It's kind of funny how strongly I believed that we might be friends again, after what she said. I thought that in saying what she did, she wasn't giving up on me. Maybe she was just letting me know she had had enough. I'm not sad very often anymore, I just still don't really understand how things turned out like this.

We are children of the sun.

But more specifically, YOU are a child of the sun. You are so giving and so loving and so open to the world still, and I envy you that some of the time, but then it goes and throws up in your face a little, and I remember that people like you sometimes need a little extra protecting, and when the protecting doesn't help they just need a little extra love given right back to them before they can bounce back. I'm not as good at the giving and the loving and the being open as you are, but I am a pretty decent listener and I have a fairly good crying shoulder, even though you said you've already had enough of crying. The point, I guess, is that you are so consistently determined to see the best bits in people and in the world that sometimes you get your hopes up prematurely. I hope that's a fair analysis. And I hope you know that even though I wasn't supportive before, it DOES NOT mean that I wanted this to happen, and anything that bums you out bums me out as well. And he's a pretty good friend to have around, so this just might end up working in your favour.

I like having something to be in charge of. I like having a project. I like having control. I like when people ask me questions, and when people associate my name with a good cause. I like girl's night and I like animal soaps and "fish shows" and I don't actually mind being the one squished against the wall, because at least then there's no chance of falling off. I like 4-wheel drive.

I like getting my way and sometimes I am mean and manipulative to make it happen. And I'm not proud of that, but I'm also not sorry. I like the girl that knows I'm mean and manipulative and loves me anyways, and I like that when she has to tell me I'm out of line, she does it in the nicest way.

I have a lot of ideas and a lot of energy and not very many outlets right now.

And I still have so much trouble concentrating, and I can't believe that it could be this hard for the rest of my life because of one whack on the head.

Pretend I'm a lover, pretend it's real, pretend I can speak, pretend I can feel.

I loved the Post Secrets today. They made me want to blog. But I still don't know what to say. I have blogger's block, which is a lot like writer's block only more fun to say because of the alliteration.

I wish I knew how to blog about him. I wish I had words to say about him. But right now I just don't know. That's good, probably, that I don't know. Maybe I won't get bored so fast if I can't wrap him up in words. Maybe I don't wish I knew how to blog about him.

I've officially had my first fight with two of my three tip top people. And the third one if far away on a boat, and I miss her so so much and I found a letter today, that I wrote to her in the summer and that I never got to give to her before she left, and I don't know if she still reads this but I hope that she does and I hope that she knows how much I love her and I hope she knows that I'm figuring things out, and that I'm going to be okay, and that she is going to be okay, and that we as a pair are going to be okay, and that we as bloggers and as worldly citizens are collectively going to be okay. I can't believe she isn't here. I have the best support system going for me right now, but SHE is the one that would really understand the significance of what's going on right now, and I know this because last year it was her turn, and the year before that and the year before that and the year before that we were different from how other people are and from how we both are now. If she doesn't end up reading this my over-long, lacking-in-structure sentences will go completely wasted. If she does end up reading this, she should also know that I am still waiting for a letter, and she should know that I know she has my address and there are no excuses. (I miss you Mackenzie, that's actually all I should have said.)

I like the dog run and I like dog people.

"Got a lead foot down on my accelerator,

And the rearview mirror torn off,

Cause I ain't never looking back."