These are those days.

I wish I had written a blog on November 26, 2009, so that I might be able to reference it in the way that everyone else is doing. But last year's Erin did not choose to write a blog on said date.

I remember last year's Erin anyways. She had a little crush on somebody that she really didn't want to admit she had a little crush on. I can't remember why she wouldn't admit it, but I'm glad now, that she didn't.

This year I'm actually a lot more like grade 10's Erin. I love high school again. I keep realizing, over and over, how good I am at high school. I don't know how to explain it. High school and I are just really good buds again. I'm also a lot different though, than grade 10's Erin. Grade 10's Erin was such a chicken. Grade 10's Erin was so scared of commitments to other people. Grade 10's Erin was scared of relationships, because grade 10's Erin thought that people could control her if she got to close to them. Grade 10's Erin was a people pleaser. Grade 10's Erin bit off more than she could chew, only she didn't realize it at the time. She didn't realize it until grade 11, when she stopped wanting to do anything at all. Grade 11's Erin was sick of making people happy, and she didn't believe in very much. Grade 11's Erin didn't have a clue what was going on. Grade 11's Erin went to school, went to field hockey, and went to bed. Grade 11's Erin did the things she felt like she had to do, and absolutely nothing more. Grade 11's Erin was not very motivated. But grade 11's Erin figured out some cool stuff, somehow. Grade 11's Erin taught me how to put myself first, and for that I owe her a whole lot. Grade 11's Erin put this quote in her blog: "We grow neither better nor worse as we get old, but more like ourselves." I don't think grade 11's Erin really understood that. I think that in another year I will find that quote in this blog, and I will wonder to myself, "Did grade 12's Erin really understand that?" I think that maybe that's the whole point. Every year we will understand the quote better, because every year we will understand better what it means to be more like ourselves.

I really hate talking about myself in the third person, even if it's past tense, so I'm going to stop now. Even though I really liked how Hannah and Rachel did it, I feel like it's not working out for me.

I guess the most important bit is that this year's me is my very favourite post-pubescent me. This years me gets so much pleasure from being with her family, and shortbread cookies, and waking up to cute texts from cute boys. This year's me is really content. This year I have renewed my belief that yes actually, I can change the world if I want to, thank you very much. This year, I might fall in love. Well, probably not. But this year I can say the word boyfriend with minimal cringing, so it's a step in the right direction at least.

Time goes by really differently when you're on birth control. Not because you're on birth control, but because you're taking a little pill out of a little package at the same time every day. And so you start of with a full pack and think wow, that's a lot of days worth of pills. And then each time you take out a pill it's like ticking off a day. And it feels like you must be counting down the days until something happens, but you aren't. And so, just to have something to count down to, you start counting down till the end of each row, and then you get to the end of the row and remember that nothing significant is happening because you are taking the last pill out of that row. I hate that feeling. I hate that it feels like I am always waiting for something to happen. I hate the way this stupid routine affects my brain. That's all.