Keep me guessing.

You keep your stability, I'll keep my heart.

I know it's easy to say, but it's harder to feel this way.

yes please : the coming six months with no math class, remembering how it feels to really breath, getting out of the city, and afternoons spent with Katie McLean (thanks for being as weird as I am).

no thanks : being wrong about you, and 6 a.m. practices with no motivation.

I'm really just sick of the realists in this world. I am a dreamer, an optimist, my head spends most of it's time in the clouds. And I am not ashamed.

Albert Einstein, Rosa Parks, Lewis Carroll, Martin Luther King Jr., Anne Frank, Ghandi, Dr. Seuss : I love you.

Also, I had no right to expect anything different from you. But what you said broke my heart. "I gave up pretending there was ever going to be a solution to anything." I could smack you.

She's got a satellite heart.

I hate being forced to sit at home for hours on end pretending to study math and chemistry. I hate that concepts which were so simple 4 months ago no longer fit into my brain, I hate that I can't remember anything. I hate that the weather takes a change for the better and today, I have not been outside to appreciate it. I hate that I am finding so many uses for the word hate. I hate that word. I hate that people in Haiti are going through hell, and I am here at home, here in Canada, being useless. I hate that I cannot go down there and help. I hate that I feel sorry for myself, while others have lost everything. I hate how there is so much attention on Haiti, yet half of Africa is starving, and the Afghan war is raging, and North Korea is stuck under a communist dictatorship ruling, and yet, everybody has forgotten. Yes, Haiti needs our help, but they are not the only ones. I hate that as a collective people, humans can be so superficial. We claim to want to help, but abandoning one cause the second another comes up is not helping. I hate that there is so much greed and anger and pain in this world. I hate that everyone could be happy, if the fat, power hungry middle aged men who drive SUV's and care about nothing but being CEO of the next big oil company could give two shits about the global economy crisis, if they could spare a thought for the HIV/AIDS pandemic that has killed tens of millions of people, and not only in the third world, but even some here at home. I hate that I sit down at my computer to rant for a while about math and chemistry and how hard I have it, and I realize that my problems are non-existent. I hate being told I am too young to help, that there is nothing I can do right now, that finishing school, getting a good education, is the best thing I can do for the world. Sure, maybe I can ace all my high school courses and go to university to become a world class environmental engineer, or doctor. But we're talking ten years from now. I can't wait ten years. I want to help now. And I want the rest of my generation to start caring. I'm sick of lunch time talk about who wore what to which party last weekend. We are the ones that are capable of making a difference right now. We need to start taking ourselves seriously, so that others will also. We can't sit back and expect our parents, or our teachers, or even todays leading environmental scientists to fight for a future that is not theirs. I need to be able to believe in the people around me. So yeah, today is pretty shitty. I am here at home, not studying for my tests, not making a difference in my life or anyone else's. I am not significant. And maybe for me personally, tomorrow will be better, but the world will not be saved over night. Tomorrow, I will wake up, and we will not have world peace. And today, that feels like my problem.

"Hey mum. What did you say ? You got me a 50 pack of my favourite earl grey tea ?!"

Oh right, my life is good.

When the sun comes up, I'll be there to say what up in the morning.

If you want, if it makes you feel good, go ahead, call me a whore, call me a slut, say that I have no respect for my body. I'm not good with emotional intimacy, and I do replace it with physical intimacy. Sometimes I just get bored, sometimes I need a change, to spice things up. Maybe you frown upon that. But as far as I'm concerned, as soon as you open your mouth to gossip about me, and talk behind my talk, I'm already better than you.

On n'aime que ce qu'on ne possède pas tout entier.

J'oublie par fois la beauté qui est la langue française. Entendre français, parler français, ça me donne de la plaisir, quand je ne suis pas dans une salle de classe trop chaud avec les autres étudiants qui s'en fou, et un proffeseur qui m'inspire pas.

Even if I'm moving on.

Say that you'll stay.

I don't fit in, so why do you want me ?

Make the most of what comes, and the least of what goes.

Sometimes I am rude.

Sometimes I talk back.

Sometimes I don't show respect.

And I don't use this fact as an excuse, but perhaps an explanation.

I am this way because sometimes, I need space.

And currently, in this house, space is hard to come by.

Grandma, I am sorry that I am impatient with you. I am sorry that you can't do things as quickly or as easily as you used to be able to. I am sorry that I get fed up. I am sorry that I get mad because I can't listen to my music as loud as I want, cause then you can't hear anyone else talking. I am sorry that you are deaf and need everything repeated, and I am sorry that this bothers me. It's obviously not your fault, and I know that, and I understand it, but it still drives me crazy. I want you to know that I love you and that I really am glad you are here, instead of alone in Ontario. I will tell you that before you leave. I promise.

Dad, I am sorry to you as well that I have been short tempered with Grandma. She is your mother, and you love her and I love her, and you must be glad and also relieved that she is here for six weeks. But six weeks is a long time when you are sixteen years old. My priorities aren't the same as anyone else's. I need time with my friends, I need time to do school work, I need time to work, I need time to sleep. And I can only play so many games of scrabble in a 24 hour period.

Mum, I am sorry that you feel the same way I do about Grandma being here. You tell me I need to put more of an effort into spending time with her, you tell me it's important to know my grandparents. And you are right. You are so right. But I know you know it's hard. Because you get fed up too. And you do put in more effort than I do, you do keep yourself composed, and you are such a gracious host to her, even though she frequently forgets her please and thank you. I don't know how you do it, but I will try to follow your example. I am also sorry that you will have to continue to entertain her when Kate and I go back to school and Dad goes back to work. I said six weeks is a long time for a sixteen year old. It's also a long time for a stay at home mum entertaining her mother in law.

Kate, I am sorry I don't spend more time with you. I am sorry we aren't interested in more of the same things. I am sorry I don't like you following me around the house, wanting to do everything I do. I am sorry I don't like you hugging me, touching my hair, leaning on me constantly. I am sorry I am not a better role model. Do not look up to me, I am not the kind of person you need to become. Following exactly in my foots steps will not make you happy. It was the right path for me, but you need to find your own. Be your own, beautiful, sparkling, dazzling person. You think mum and dad want you to be just like me, but they don't. They want you to be YOU, and they want you to be happy.

(Rachel, I am sorry, because you are the only person that had the slightest chance of reading this. And I am whiny and bitter and rude, and now you know.)