Your smile is a drug.

You’re out of line. You’re so out of line. That’s basically what you do, is just cross lines, and push people too far. I don’t even owe you this reply. Because you had no right to say those things to me. Sure, you think I made some mistakes, and sure, a lot of people see it that way. I don’t. I have no regrets in my life, and that hasn’t changed since last weekend. Maybe what I did was dumb, but I don’t regret it. And you calling me a slut doesn’t fly. Because slut is a derogatory term, and I’m not going to let you look down on me for what happened. And you can keep going on about how I’m so emotionally detached from people, and you can consider it a flaw, but you’ve probably not once stopped to think about why I’m like that. So you can’t judge me for that either. Even I don’t know why I’m like that, but I do know that the one time I got close and opened up 100% to a person, I got crushed. He’s 21, and lives on the opposite side of the country, and I miss him every single day, and no, I am not over him, and no, I wont be over him for a long time. And maybe that’s why I don’t like to open up to people anymore. Maybe I don’t like to be vulnerable. Maybe emotional intimacy scares the hell out of me. Maybe it’s the only thing I’ve ever been scared of. And maybe that’s why I’m constantly craving physical intimacy. Because it’s the first substitute to emotional intimacy, which is something I can’t do right now. So at the moment, I’m a bit of a mess, in basically every sense of the word. And now you’ve gone and said a bunch of shit to me, and basically made this whole thing a you vs. her situation, but really who gives two shits who I call my best friend? What’s in a name? The first reason I loved you so fucking much was because I thought that didn’t matter to you. I thought we could be best friends without throwing around labels like they actually meant something. I’m not gonna get into what she’s been through in the last couple years, but if she needed somebody to call her best friend, just so she could get through every fucking day, then yeah, I was going to be there for her, and I was going to call her my best friend too. Those things had nothing to do with you and me, and it shouldn’t have affected my friendship with you.

So yeah, I’m pissed off that you said all those things. But I can also realize that you’re saying them for my own good. And I know that even though in this moment I don’t appreciate anything you said, eventually I will, eventually I’ll be glad that you care enough to say it to me, rather than give up on me or whatever else. And the reason I don’t tell you things is because I know you’re real enough to call me out on them, and tell me that they’re wrong, and when you do that, I have to stop and I have to think and I hate doing that more than anything in the world, because I do better, I stay stronger, when I just keep going and going, fast enough so that things can’t catch up to me. That’s why we don’t talk about these things.